Sunday, May 20, 2012

Third Times The Charm?

I wasn’t going to participate in this weekend's Trifecta challenge. But then, I had some thoughts about this picture prompt. *


She’s crying.

I can hear her, behind me, struggling to pull the one suitcase I couldn’t manage.  Crying.

To hear her just rips my insides apart. This is equally excruciating for me. I want to cry all the time too but not in front of her. It would send her to the dark spot and far, far away. We need to go back, back to “our” world and not empty handed.

This third try. This third city. This third trip. This has to be the one because it’s simply brutal.

I can’t do this again and I won’t. The toll on us has been unbearable. Emotionally and physically. I can’t see her, heart shattered and crumbled in a ball. Not one more time.

This is the last airport I carry this.

We’re losing “us”. Hanging together by a thread.


I’m trying to get a grip. I’ve pushed hard for this, I know. And I keep pushing still. But I’m feeling out of control. 

You are so gentle, so sweet.

I love you more than the world. Don’t you know that? Can’t you feel that? Yet I feel this space between us.

It’s just… I want more. Something more for us. Something to add to “us”.

Hoping is hard and we’ve given up on it before, too many times.

The heart wrenching change of minds, the devastating disappointment and the loss.

Maybe this third time will be the charm. Maybe this will be our last airport . Maybe this random Russian city holds the answer. Maybe this third baby is the one meant to be ours. Maybe this will be the last time we return home with our car seat empty with longing.

Let’s hope one last time. Please?

I promise not to cry anymore unless it’s tears of joy but I shouldn’t promise anything. I’m not good with them.

You’ve carried the weight and the entire burden these last ten years. I can promise this; I’ll be your rock this time.

We are stronger together, aren’t we?


*Today is my parents’ gazillionth wedding anniversary. 54 years! My dad says, “It takes a whole lot of work but I love her. Always have and always will.”

Adoption was the only option they had early on in their marriage. While they were fully engaged in the process with Catholic Adoption Agencies in the city, I became, somehow, more than just a “twinkle” in their eyes and was a complete surprise. 


Jester Queen said...

The brutality of a wait like that, the hope and disappointment, those things are so very real and so underrepresented.

Unknown said...

That was very compelling Gina.

Gina said...

My parents didn't go through it to that extent but they said it was hard for them being the only couple without children and desperately wanting one. They thought I would be an only child. Then poof! Along came my brother 18 mo. later and unexpectedly as well.

I know some people who have experienced it. Divorce rates are really high (like 80% or some outrageous number).

Gina said...

Thanks, Jen!!!

loverofwords said...

Good luck for Trifecta, the third time has to be a charm.

Gina said...

Thanks, loverofword! I sure hope it is for this couple. I don't know how much more they can take!