R.W. Emerson and Brain Pickings: About Friendship

There’s always some good stuff on Brain Pickings about so many things, but lately there seems to be more, or I am seeing more, about friendship. Friendship has been on my mind a lot lately.

Maria Popova’s article titled Truth and Tenderness: Ralph Waldo Emerson on Friendship and Its Two Essential Conditions spoke volumes to me today. I thought I would share some excerpts with whoever is out there reading. 

Maria writes:

“Emerson argues, that friendships have a certain pace of presence and absence, a natural rhythm of “comings and goings” that should be respected rather than bemoaned as a weakness in the relationship. “

And:

“To rush these rhythms or force friendship to comply to a specific fantasy, Emerson gently admonishes, would be an assault on the relationship. Emerson argues that to be impatient in friendship is to mistrust the depth of the relationship and to deny the resilience and immutability of the friend’s affections:”

Emerson says:

“Our impatience is thus sharply rebuked. Bashfulness and apathy are a tough husk in which a delicate organization is protected from premature ripening. It would be lost if it knew itself before any of the best souls were yet ripe enough to know and own it. Respect the naturalangsamkeit [German for the slowness of natural development] which hardens the ruby in a million years, and works in duration, in which Alps and Andes come and go as rainbows. The good spirit of our life has no heaven which is the price of rashness. Love, which is the essence of God, is not for levity, but for the total worth of man. Let us not have this childish luxury in our regards, but the austerest worth; let us approach our friend with an audacious trust in the truth of his heart, in the breadth, impossible to be overturned, of his foundations.”

And what is the greatest gift of true friendship per Emerson?

“[Friendship] is for aid and comfort through all the relations and passages of life and death. It is fit for serene days, and graceful gifts, and country rambles, but also for rough roads and hard fare, shipwreck, poverty, and persecution… We are to dignify to each other the daily needs and offices of man’s life, and embellish it by courage, wisdom and unity. It should never fall into something usual and settled, but should be alert and inventive, and add rhyme and reason to what was drudgery.”

And the importance of being enough the same and enough different.

“Friendship requires that rare mean betwixt likeness and unlikeness, that piques each with the presence of power and of consent in the other party… I hate, where I looked for a manly furtherance, or at least a manly resistance, to find a mush of concession. Better be a nettle in the side of your friend, than his echo. The condition which high friendship demands is ability to do without it… Let it be an alliance of two large formidable natures, mutually beheld, mutually feared, before yet they recognize the deep identity which beneath these disparities unites them.”

Because how boring would it be if we were exactly alike! Who's going to keep us on our toes if not our friends? We need to learn and be challenged.

And what about the one-sidedness feelings we get from some. Should we care? Give up on them?

“It has seemed to me lately more possible than I knew, to carry a friendship greatly, on one side, without due correspondence on the other. Why should I cumber myself with regrets that the receiver is not capacious? It never troubles the sun that some of his rays fall wide and vain into ungrateful space, and only a small part on the reflecting planet. Let your greatness educate the crude and cold companion. If he is unequal, he will presently pass away… But the great will see that true love cannot be unrequited. True love transcends the unworthy object, and dwells and broods on the eternal, and when the poor interposed mask crumbles, it is not sad, but feels rid of so much earth, and feels its independency the surer… The essence of friendship is entireness, a total magnanimity and trust.”

Sometimes I forget that friends need space with “room to breathe and grow and just be”. That the need or desire for space isn’t wrong or bad or reflective of the quality of the friendship (sometimes). And friendships have a “sense of presence and absence”, a “coming and going”. That it’s a natural phenomenon. 

We all need room to change so then we can present our friends with our renewed freshness and enthusiasm! And “It’s been so long! Where have you been, and what have you done?!?!?” We are thrilled and excited to know all of the answers. 

Then sometimes it feels as if the space seemed like we never spent a minute apart. 

Feeling Melancholy on This Sunday Evening

bycommonconsent.com

“You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what's a life, anyway? We're born, we live a little while, we die. A spider's life can't help being something of a mess, with all this trapping and eating flies. By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heaven knows anyone's life can stand a little of that.” 

― E.B. White, Charlotte's Web

This is one of my very favorite quotes, and it always reminds me of some people who are quite important to me. It also reminds me of a friend, or two, I have lost.

It has such a melancholy feel to me, bittersweet, but very tender, and warm. Friendship is warmth, provides warmth, doesn’t it? 

For several reasons, I have called this quote to mind recently.

What is your favorite quote, friendship or not?

A Long Overdue Stream of Consciousness of Things Being Worth the Moment

I sat down in the middle of this day because I have been longing to write. For a very long time. I have been restless for a while. Opportunities have not existed for writing in particular, and neither has a means. Until now, that is.

I need to change some things. I am not completely sure exactly what that means, or I mean, or who, or what, will get changed. Just things. I have minimized my material life for now. That's been a big eye opener. It's other things, though, that are causing this lack of clarity. The only thing I am sure of is things need changing.

These thoughts didn't just spring into my head today. They didn't start the day before yesterday either. Maybe I merely acknowledged them then as a far too early, obnoxious light peeked through the slats of my not completely closed shutters. The red numbers on the digital clock read 6:38. That number is typically obscene to me unless it has a p.m. after it. I muttered, “Dammit! Who didn’t shut these completely?” Wow! Was I quick to blame “someone else” for this rude disturbance, or what? That is until I remembered. It was me. I didn't. I went to bed alone, and the sheets were still cold on the other side. (Maybe that had something to do with it, too.) 

But I do know what rises about that time on the westernmost edge of the Eastern Standard Time Zone. I hadn’t seen it in far too long, and I knew instantly I missed it. So I walked across the room, opened up the shutters, and let its orange glow bath me through my bedroom window. It was sweeping, and magical, and strong. Vibrantly casting itself like a huge fishing net across the lake from north to south. It was warm and friendly. It had been far too long.

And I started thinking.

I see more summer sunsets than most anyone I know. And while they are beautiful, and peaceful, and the perfect way to bid a day, good or bad or mediocre, goodbye, I don’t say hello to it hardly ever. I used to. I remember loving it.

So I thought further. 

Just standing there.

Maybe it is time to start changing some patterns. Maybe see a few more of those moments that begin days. Feel the newness. Maybe change a few other things, cycles, habits while I am at it.

I had ten minutes of time to myself just now and the impulse to get some words out of my head and onto the page was far too strong to ignore. It may not seem like I have written much here. It is a start, though. It is important to me.

I miss writing. I miss stream of consciousness writing. I miss my words on paper. I miss writing purely for me.

P.S. I wrote a very emotional, difficult, and probably hurtful (sort of) poem a few days back. It's not really about anyone. I know I've said that before. That my writing wasn't about someone or something in particular. But writing is always motivated by something or someone, is it not? It is about friendship. It is general. These are some of the most potentially hurtful (I've just used that word twice in a few sentences) words I have ever strung together in my life. I have certainly never said these words before, or written regarding (a) friendship. Why did I write them or it? I think, for now, they or it will remain like those letters you write when you are trying to get something off your chest, but then you never send them. It's probably one of those. Maybe.

Trifecta: Relationship Rainbows

Could it be we’ll never understand each other?

Could it be not completely?

Could it be that men and women just can’t?

But,

Maybe it’s possible only with lovers.

Maybe not even then.

Maybe that’s just normal; the way it seems to go.

And,

Could it be destined for perpetual agree-to-disagrees?

Could it be merely when things are light and bright and cheery?

Could it be mutters of “how sorry” for constant misunderstandings?

But,

Maybe, just maybe, it only works with friends.

Maybe, then, only sometimes.

Maybe, though, it never really works at all.

So,

Maybe it’s just a ridiculous relationship rainbow.

Could it be the only explanation?

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33-333 words for the third definition of:

RAINBOW (noun)

1

:  an arc or circle that exhibits in concentric bands the colors of the spectrum and that is formed opposite the sun by the refraction and reflection of the sun's rays in raindrops, spray, or mist

2

a :  a multicolored array

b :  a wide assortment or range <a rainbow of flavors>

3

[from the impossibility of reaching the rainbow, at whose foot a pot of gold is said to be buried] :  an illusory goal or hope

Trifecta: Organic Produce

It was a nippy fall night in the early 80’s at a big college in Illinois. Knowing I wouldn’t make time the rest of the weekend to study for midterms, I told my friends to head to the party without me. I’d show at some point; I always did.

Arriving just before midnight, I found her sitting on the driveway crying convulsively. Mascara streaked her pale cheeks. Her beautiful golden hair looked like a rat's nest and deciphering her words was nearly impossible. She said she’d been waiting for me all night.

“Shouldn’t have…don’t know what to do…it was his idea…”

I knelt down to get a better look at her in the dark as my own eyes began welling up.

“What happened?”

She continued to sob.

As I lifted her up by the armpits, I remember thinking she felt like a life-sized Raggedy Anne doll. Dragging her inside through the crowded room, I quickly locked both of us in a bathroom.

“Now tell me what's going on? Did someone hurt you? Do I need to call the police?”

Spinning around with flailing arms, she lost her balance. Grabbing hold of my sweater and the shower curtain at the same time, she pulled us backwards into the bathtub. We hit our heads hard on the ceramic tile. 

It was then I realized she wasn’t sobbing anymore. In fact, she was laughing hysterically.

“I ate mushrooms. Then there were too many people here and you weren’t. And I was alone and I freaked out.”

“You are kidding me! That’s the stupidest thing you've done.”

“You’re mad at me?”

“I thought you’d been raped. I was scared. Now I’m just pissed.”

Trying to juggle school and our friendship, as fun as it was at times, wasn’t working for me anymore. I was exhausted and it was only freshman year.

It was always the same old shit.

 Over and over and over again.

And I needed my own life.

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33-333 words for the third definition of:

JUGGLE (transitive verb)

3: to handle or deal with usually several things (as obligations) at one time so as to satisfy often competing requirements <juggle the responsibilities of family life and full-time job — Jane S. Gould>

That's Not Why I'm Here: SOCS

So this stream of consciousness is coming from sunny FLA. Five minutes of writing that is not edited. Just written and posted. As always, I gratefully link up at Jana's place where other like-minded writers do too.

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Florida is not one of my favorites places because I don’t have much in common with the people who live in this part…they're old. Now some of you out there may be thinking, well she’s "old" too. And I will say to you, “NO. I’m not. Age is just a number.” I hope if you ever meet me you think, “Hey, she has a young spirit.”

But that’s not what this is about. This is about why I’m vacationing in a place I wouldn't choose myself. And I'm not Veruca Salt either.

I’m here because three other women are and I was graciously invited. I’m here because I’ve known these women as acquaintances for the last 13 years. I’m here because 3 years, 2 months, 13 days ago, we became bonded unexpectedly and forever because of tragedy.

In the face of a devastating event such as the loss of a 19 year old child who was the same age as one of yours, who was away on his own as a freshman in college like yours, who’s bedroom window was 15 feet away from yours, who’s death was so incomprehensible that you will never, ever be able to explain or make sense of it, there has to be people to pick up the pieces of shattered hearts.

And there are certain times of the year that bring out the “bad”. This is one of those times.

And as two of us listened to a sermon today in which she wanted no part, we understood that at times she feels abandoned by her faith.

And it’s not that we don’t speak of him. That the subject is taboo. It is anything but that. This morning, we had a nice long talk. We learned things about him we didn’t know, she’s never shared. We thought we knew just about everything.

My heart broke again. For her.

I cried but I often do.

And she gave me one of her trademark hugs.

I’m lucky.

Monday Listicles: Memories I Can Actually Remember

So this week we are sharing 10 Amazing Memories from a Not So Distant Past over at Stasha's, The Good Life. This topic was suggested by the one and only Ducky.

Did I happen to mention that my short-term memory is kind of iffy since my accident in June? I guess hitting your head does that.

So if we spoke, in person or on the phone, or wrote in July and I don’t have some sort of physical evidence documenting it happened...Then it didn’t because I don’t really remember a thing from most of that month.

But I do have so many amazing memories from this past year that I DO remember (because I have some pictures):

1.    My very favorite people in the whole wide world (expect my kids and my parents) came along on my birthday trip to the Amalfi Coast and Rome this past year. AND one of those friends, translated approximately 2,000 pictures of our 12 days together, into a two volume, fully captioned memory for all of us! So many inside jokes, too many antics, but never too much fun, captured for life.

2.    Same friends, same trip, I received a CD collection of songs they personally chose for every year of my life. That’s a heck of a lot of songs, by the way. It took us three nights to dance through them all! Can't find the picture of the custom made Rolling Stones Bikini that they had made for me (have to frame that or something!).

3.    My kids are getting along at school (they attend the same midwest university). This may not seem like a big deal but it really is. They are polar opposites and argue ad nauseum (I’ve mentioned this before!). They send me pictures when they see each other. Or call me and ask for reimbursement for the dinner date they had which I said I would if they shared a meal together (bonding maybe?) Didn't know they had slip-n-slides at college.

4.    Speaking of college, Matt was actually asked back for his sophomore year. Well, he wasn’t asked back. He just wasn’t asked NOT to come back (or put on academic probation or some silly thing like that). Considering his relationship with school, this was one of the best things to come out of the last 12 months!

5.    We celebrated the life of the best dog in the whole world. Even though we lost her on June 11^th, she will remain a part of our family and in our hearts forever! Tears!!!

6.    I discovered who's really there for me when I need them. I don’t often ask for help and when I couldn’t, I didn’t have to; they were there.

(A Koozie cup present for beverages)

("No more doing your own stunts")

These are my nurses (they're nurses, too, really). They made the “touchdown” signal with their arms when I vomited chocolate malt across the hospital room and hit a wall 12 feet away. We laughed. It was funny considering...

7.    Something good came out of this, believe it or not, and I’m actually smiling (because I'm really "high" on meds) even though I don’t remember this (June 28^th, day after the “you know what”) or the next month for that matter. I think I'm having fun?

8.    I did my first ever triathlon. And I finished. That’s all there is to say about that one! Note to self: Train next time. It’s easier that way!

9.    My kids both had fulltime jobs for the summer and while this doesn’t seem like a big thing, it was to me. It made me feel like a success as a parent; that they felt the need and desire to become participants in this world, begin taking care of some of their own wants and needs, and exerting their independence. They finally understood the concept of work ethic outside of the academic environment. And they stayed out of my pocket for the most part. Nothing says "growing up" or being responsible like getting your butt up for a job EVERY DAY.

10.                  I started my blog on December 15^th last year. Nothing has seemed the same since. I have met wonderful, talented, and exciting people. Wouldn’t change that for the world!

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     This is also Day 5 of NaBloPoMo and I'm participating through one of my very favorite sites Yeah Write. Come check out what every crazy (like me) yet intensely talented bloggers is writing each and every day of November!

     Note to rowmies and columnies: I'm also challenging myself to workout before I'm allowed to write anything. So new material will only come AFTER I've moved in some form or fashion which means late morning!