A Long Overdue Stream of Consciousness of Things Being Worth the Moment

I sat down in the middle of this day because I have been longing to write. For a very long time. I have been restless for a while. Opportunities have not existed for writing in particular, and neither has a means. Until now, that is.

I need to change some things. I am not completely sure exactly what that means, or I mean, or who, or what, will get changed. Just things. I have minimized my material life for now. That's been a big eye opener. It's other things, though, that are causing this lack of clarity. The only thing I am sure of is things need changing.

These thoughts didn't just spring into my head today. They didn't start the day before yesterday either. Maybe I merely acknowledged them then as a far too early, obnoxious light peeked through the slats of my not completely closed shutters. The red numbers on the digital clock read 6:38. That number is typically obscene to me unless it has a p.m. after it. I muttered, “Dammit! Who didn’t shut these completely?” Wow! Was I quick to blame “someone else” for this rude disturbance, or what? That is until I remembered. It was me. I didn't. I went to bed alone, and the sheets were still cold on the other side. (Maybe that had something to do with it, too.) 

But I do know what rises about that time on the westernmost edge of the Eastern Standard Time Zone. I hadn’t seen it in far too long, and I knew instantly I missed it. So I walked across the room, opened up the shutters, and let its orange glow bath me through my bedroom window. It was sweeping, and magical, and strong. Vibrantly casting itself like a huge fishing net across the lake from north to south. It was warm and friendly. It had been far too long.

And I started thinking.

I see more summer sunsets than most anyone I know. And while they are beautiful, and peaceful, and the perfect way to bid a day, good or bad or mediocre, goodbye, I don’t say hello to it hardly ever. I used to. I remember loving it.

So I thought further. 

Just standing there.

Maybe it is time to start changing some patterns. Maybe see a few more of those moments that begin days. Feel the newness. Maybe change a few other things, cycles, habits while I am at it.

I had ten minutes of time to myself just now and the impulse to get some words out of my head and onto the page was far too strong to ignore. It may not seem like I have written much here. It is a start, though. It is important to me.

I miss writing. I miss stream of consciousness writing. I miss my words on paper. I miss writing purely for me.

P.S. I wrote a very emotional, difficult, and probably hurtful (sort of) poem a few days back. It's not really about anyone. I know I've said that before. That my writing wasn't about someone or something in particular. But writing is always motivated by something or someone, is it not? It is about friendship. It is general. These are some of the most potentially hurtful (I've just used that word twice in a few sentences) words I have ever strung together in my life. I have certainly never said these words before, or written regarding (a) friendship. Why did I write them or it? I think, for now, they or it will remain like those letters you write when you are trying to get something off your chest, but then you never send them. It's probably one of those. Maybe.

When Things That Are Supposed To Happen Do

What I was going to write about today changed at least five times and completely influenced by the ever-changing occurrences of my morning.

Have you ever had a day that you felt was stacked against you from the get go? Everything you tried to do, tried to accomplish was met with an obstacle; Obstacles that caused you to revert to Plan “B”, then Plan “C” and begin rethinking Plan “D”. This was precisely the morning I had.

I was very frustrated.

And yet…

I began to wonder why. Am I being tested? Am I supposed to be learning something? Should I be doing something different(ly) or am I waiting for something to happen, something that is supposed to?

I found Helen this morning (Helen Keller In Love, the book). That’s a good thing! I’d been looking pretty hard for her since Sunday. And I’m embarrassed to say where because she’d been right under my nose the whole time. In reality, I just needed to view my world, from my bed, from a different angle. Lesson here… Organize my messes better. Or don’t be so messy?

I’m not going to bore anyone with the mundane errands or workouts I intended to do this morning. They didn’t happen and it wasn’t within my control…literal and figurative roadblocks were thrown up at every turn.

I’m not dumb, so I took the hint and headed back home.

It was then I found out why my morning went as “someone” planned but not as I had planned.

A good friend knocked lightly on my side door. I almost didn’t hear it; it was that faint and when I looked through the window of the door I could see the glassiness of her eyes. They were almost full to the brim with tears.

This was my purpose today. This is why nothing worked out. Had I been running around accomplishing everything that I set out to do (and on the dreaded list left for me this morning (I dislike other people’s lists)), I would have missed that sound, that soft tap on my door.

We only talked for an hour and a half but the things we talked about were stellar and meaningful.

She asked me a question that had been on her mind, which she said was posed to Miss USA during the recent Miss Universe pageant after she slipped and fell on stage. It went something like this:

“If you could go back to any moment in time and do it differently, what would it be?” (BTW, Miss USA didn’t answer she’d prefer she hadn’t fallen)

We both had very clear feelings to express and specific moments to share with each other. She knows I like questions and it was a wonderfully private and trusting conversation. You can't go back and do it differently or change it. I cry easily as does she.

We also talked about “You’ll know when you know.” And you can’t change the 20% of a person that makes them different than you because everyone is different and why would you want them to be exactly the same as you anyway. Different is exciting and good. Different is necessary. So is change. Embrace them.

I’m not an Oprah fan but I had an “Ah Ha Moment” today and I would like more, please!


Anyone else experiencing any moments? Have any moments they would change if given the chance?

I Enjoy Change...Mostly

Two posts in one day. How unusual for me. Must relate back to my delirium due to lack of sleep. Maybe I’ve forgotten I already wrote one. 

OR maybe I’ve finished with all my important Sunday “to-do’s” like church, the big paper, a movie, total procrastination...no, I still am.

OR just maybe, I wasn’t going to do this at all then some things changed just now that changed my mind. I’m working on my predictability.

This is today’s (Optional) Writing Prompt over at Sunday Stream of Consciousness (All Things Fadra): How do you feel about change? Do you like routine and predictability? Does it bring you comfort or discontent? Talk about it general or tell us a specific story about a big change in your life and how you feel about it.

I have five minutes to do this? Unedited. Words only.

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I feel I do very well to exceptional dealing with change. I enjoy change. I find it challenging and I love a good challenge, an opportunity for personal growth and reflection, and a way to participate actively in life. Most changes excite me…of course, I would definitely be speaking of changes of a positive nature. I don’t tend to sit still very often so change suits my personality quite well. I have no need to be in control of everything. I’m very flexible by nature. Change is great in my book.

I have also experienced very difficult and sad changes. The two biggies were the loss of someone extremely important to me and the loss of a major relationship in my life.  These were two tough things for me to wrestle with emotionally. With time I was able to accept, reconcile my feelings and move forward as difficult and as heartbreaking as that was. To this day, I still reflect on both one with joy yet sadness and the other with pure sadness and a bit of anger.

Quite possibly I don’t do as well with small changes. Sometimes small changes frustrate the heck out of  me. Things that make me a little mad.

This change happened today. Look at my favorite shoes. Let’s play the game what is different between these two things.

Yes. Someone ate them including the insole. I bought these purple suede loafers on my birthday in Positano, on the Amalfi Coast, in October. I wear them for some part of every single day. They really mean something to me even though they don’t look like much to anyone else. I’m pissed off. I’m not good at all with this change.

I also don’t care for airlines all that much. Especially when they change my flights and the seats I have paid for with out so much as an email. I heard about it today from a friend and had to hunt down United and rearrange plans that I made two months ago.  I always feel they are trying to pull a fast one. You can not change seats for someone who paid a premium for 9C (okay, I used miles for the upgrade but still...)then put them in 33E, the middle. NOT COOL. Try  speaking with them on the phone and see where that gets you… no where?

I guess it’s not change I necessarily have a problem with. It’s the frustration that goes along with these two in particular today.