Frustration: Stream of Consciousness (Well Almost)

I long to have my computer with me at times like these so I could more easily tell you that I kind of yelled at a few people today.

I used to be quite the yeller back in the day. In my late twenties and throughout my thirties. I admit to being the occasional hothead. I account for this as a by-product of my fiery Italian roots and being stressed with work and a young family then not working, with no money and young children at home. The family would concur.

I could rip a deserving sort a decent sized hole and well, in my humble opinion. In some cases, I was quite proud... Let me qualify that, aside from hubby (unfortunately and only sometimes), I was usually fair with my rants.  Once detonated though, for me, it was over.

Life has since softened me. Thank goodness.

It’s more stressful for me to get angry and worked up than to remain as passive as possible in difficult situations. I also know better than to rip into the “wrong” people, the ones merely doing the work asked of  them by a boss. Nothing productive comes out of that!

It has worked, mostly.

It was an easy job fucked up for the third time (first time was the solar eclipse) and a state away from where I intended to spend my weekend. So I did raise my voice to some workers today. Kind of started out hot then toned it down when I saw their innocent faces because they didn’t derserve it. Their boss does.

I may attempt to remain passive, but I have my limits and will not be walked over.

In instances such as this, I hear my mother-in-law, a sage of sorts, whisper,

“It’s not always what you say, but how you say it.”

Cliched, I know.

They knew I was mad and why. They knew I wasn’t mad at them. They knew precisely to whom my rath would be directed.

My last words?

“It’s only a sink and countertops and they will be installed correctly because I am accountable to the family money manager, and he’s not going to be happy at all that I’ve already and stupidly paid for a job not done right. That’s my fault. Have a great weekend and tell your boss to give me a call.”

Now him I’m pretty likely to go off on.

100 Word Challenge: If I Ruled the World!

A dapper gentleman was caning down the sidewalk carefully scrutinizing the city cement. I’d noticed the elegant stature and silver cornrows first as she closed the sidewalk space between us. When their shoulders met, he spoke. 

“You have beautiful hair.” 

She tipped her head.

“You just made her day,” I said.

“I meant to.”

In my pretend world, I’d outlaw earbuds so people could hear birds, and buses, and actual voices. I’d ticket for web-surfing while walking instead of parking. Maybe even “Googling” while I had the pad out. Because simple displays of sweetness are easily missed when texting.

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Come play along at Thin Spiral Notebook where we were given the word "Pretend" to inspire our 100-word piece!

Such simple displays of sweetness may come along only once.

Yeah Write Moonshine: Saturday at the Mall

I’m betting within less than a minute reading this post, you will ask this question.

“Gina! Why the hell did you go on a Saturday?”

So I should start there.

I went to the mall on a Saturday afternoon for four primary reasons:

1.    It’s a gorgeous day in the Chicagoland area, full of bright sunshine, not too warm or cold, just right! My mall is the outdoor type with flowers, fountains, and all the pretty stuff.

2.    I had time to kill. And since I’m not much of a group shopper especially if I’m shopping for myself, it seemed like the perfect time because I was by myself.

3.    I despise the current contents of my closet. I’m not pleased with my choices, but it is my fault for that. I haven’t been to the mall, or shopping in any form for that matter, in four months. I dislike everything I have from the last few years.

4.    I have a date tonight and I would like to look nice.

What I quickly remembered about the whole driving there, shopping around, and driving home is I don’t like to go to the mall at all, especially on weekends.

And I’m not sure if my annoyance with the mall today is because I’m getting older, less patient, or I’m in a crabby mood. Probably all three.

The parking lot was a disaster because everyone (along with their sisters, brothers, cousins, etc.) was there. No parking spaces were available and I don’t mean the ones near a door either. There were cars lined up two deep, in each row, blocking passage for the rest of us. Annoyed, I circled and circled and circled before I scored my way far away spot.

Arriving into the interior of the mall is where the real fun began!

Three things here annoyed me (but, of course, there were plenty more).

People don’t use manners (could be post on its own). This bothers me immensely because I think I’m exceptionally polite. I use “please” and “thank you” obsessively. And I notice when other people are too ("See, honey, that lady/kid/daddy used good manners."). If I see you coming from a few feet behind, I will wait for you to get there holding the door open so it doesn’t slam in your face because I’m nice. And many of you didn't even bat an eye or spare a second to squeak out “Thank you”. That’s just rude.

Most weekend shoppers are browsers. They take up all the fitting rooms by trying on too many things, walk together in packs blocking racks, and talk far too loudly. It is not the same for the lone shoppers who tend to be on a mission. We aren’t there for fun. We are there to purchase, then leave. So when you are gregariously strolling through stores, please remember your spatial awareness (where your body is in relation to mine). I am not fond of strangers encroaching on my personal space or running directly into me and maybe, or not, saying “excuse me” or “sorry”. Sometimes I think I’m invisible. Additionally, your perfume should be smellable to you, the people in your personal space, but not stuffing the nostrils of the rest of us who are five or more feet away.

Nothing fit the way I wanted.

I didn’t leave empty-handed though, so that cheered me up until I decided to stop at the grocery store on my way home at 4:30pm on a Saturday.

I may be getting older and less patient but I am definitely crabby. And I need to get out of this mood because I have a DATE tonight!!!!!

Stream of Consiousness Sunday: Between a Rock and a Hard Place

I am always thrilled to participate in Jana's Sunday Stream of Consciousness. Who doesn't like a five minute brain dump that you don't have to edit? Today I will call it my five minute rant.

I detest feeling frustrated. And I equally detest feeling annoyed. But the feeling I detest even more, whipping both frustration and annoyance into the frothiest mixture of icky feelings, is one in which I feel between a rock and a hard place. It's that dreadful place where you have no choice, or feel as if you don't, because if you exercised your right to make that choice, a certain choice, you would be "the bad guy". Or deemed unreasonable or a bitch or probably even other worse things. 

You are asked if something is okay with you; works for you. Do you mind if...?

And the answer is "no"; it's not really okay. It doesn't work for me; I do mind.

But you feel you can't say "no". And you have to do it. Then act like you don't mind if it goes down at all.

You can express how uncomfortable it is for you fully understanding it's going to happen anyway. Because you have no choice but to say "yes". 

So you try to put some boundaries on it to make it seem better. And you throw out a "I know other people who would feel the same as me" for good measure. You feel like a heel for even feeling this way at all. And you feel like some sort of brat. But you can't help it because it's just how you feel. 

This is how I feel at this very minute. And I detest it.

Ever felt this way?

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