I don’t know about her, but I am pretty sure I have.
If you happened to peruse yesterday’s post about a lunch date, this is the followup, which went pretty much as expected.
[Here’s some insider info about me: When I know I am going to see someone I like, I am almost giddy with anticipation. I am excited. I can’t wait! If I know you well, be prepared for several warm hugs and, most likely, a snuggle on your cheek (I am a very affectionate person.).]
I was dragging my butt getting ready. I had a small pit in my stomach. More importantly, I felt mostly nothing.
There was a mediocre fondness upon sight. The greeting was lukewarm at best. The hug was cursory.
Upon brief glance around the apartment, she pronounced the “new love nest”, in which I have now lived for one and a half years, “wide open” and “I bet the view is nice in the summer.”
I had previously made reservations at a delectable restaurant, in part, because I didn’t want to hear her bitch then or later that the food or service sucked, which she is wont to do. We ordered a glass of wine, (Yeehaw! Man, I needed one.) and after several questions about menu items and ingredients (her's, not mine), we placed an order.
We talked about her lake house and its renovations, how difficult and exhausting it is maintaining two home (her main and lake), dermatologists, her dog and travel. [Yawn!]
She must have needed to catch her breath because she asked for an update on my kids. I briefly told her about my daughter’s new-ish job, to which she said,
“Didn’t you tell me this before Christmas?”
“Yep, I sure did.” She was listening!
I provided a one sentence synopsis of my son’s life then promptly shut up. She followed with an additional multiple minutes long overview of both her kids.
[Blogger's $.02: If you have to do a fairly major life update when you talk with someone, you are an acquaintance not a close friend.]
Here's the pièce de résistance?
The bill came so I grabbed for it to do the quick division. She never flinched or made a move in the direction of her wallet. So I said,
“I got it.”
To which she exclaimed,
“THANKS!”
As the monies were being exchanged, she mentioned she had been running late and didn't have time to stop at the ATM.
"Do you have cash for the valet ($14 + tip)? I'll take you home so you don't have to take a taxi."
What just happened here?
If I wasn’t so numb, I’d be pissed, but this is typical, and what it is like being friends with her, and why she is fodder.
I can confidently put a check mark next to “Took the high road.” (though it cost me about $75). I can be thankful for the friends that do care about me and know my kids. Most importantly, I can move on without guilt.
I’ve lost that lovin’ feeling and it’s gone, gone, gone, whoa-oa-o…
But it still makes me sad.
8 comments:
I sort of blogged about this for similar reasons. Sometimes people...suck.
I saw the post pop up in my blog roll. Meant to read it, but the day was busy and got away from me. Some do. Some aren't meant to be in our lives. Some are even if it doesn't make sense or it doesn't feel like they are supposed to be. It's tricky stuff trying to figure out who is who and what is what. I'm trying to live my life the best I can.
Ah yes, the whole meant to be thing, that's been on my mind off and on for the past decade or so.
Had many long conversations about it.
Definitely doing my best to be the best guy I can and all that. Part of it includes letting go of the people who expect us to carry them along while doing nothing to help.
If I have become a burden, let go. Don't pretend that things haven't changed, it's best for everyone.
I'm skipping dinner with some people for that very reason. I got an invitation because they thought it's polite.
Not going to drop a chunk of change and time to tell them about things my friends know.
If you aren't sure where I'm living, how old my kids are and all that it's because I'm not important to you anymore. That's OK, people change and grow apart.
The older I get the less time I have for people and things that don't fill my heart and make my soul smile.
You almost sound like a fifty-year-old, Jack ;-)
That's exactly it with her. We've been friends for twenty years with fifteen of them being what I would consider close. At one point, very close. But the thing is, I always carried the weight. Whether it was making the plans, defending behavior, her chronic lateness and inconveniences. I stopped doing it and the relationship pretty much ceased to exist. That was the sign I needed. She holds a place in my heart and always will because we have shared memories. I have lots of people who "fill my heart and make my soul smile". Some of whom are even acquaintances and don't even know they do!
I have 30 going now, with around 25 or so where we were really tight and I didn't always have to carry the weight.
Still the proverbial 'but' came and I recognized that something had changed it just took a while for me to be able to really focus on that.
The last ten years or so have been included some of the most difficult, gut wrenching and life changing moments I have ever been through.
I am not who I was but in many ways I am much closer to who I am supposed to be.
Funny thing about my debates with whether things work out as they should or if there is any sort of guidance because sometimes when I open my eyes it is obvious.
Anyhoo, I don't know if the 50 year-olds will be able to take me. I still have so much damn fire inside the 20 somethings ask me If I am really twenty years older than they are.
Little bastards. :)
"I am not who I was but in many ways I am much closer to who I'm supposed to be." Me, too. I'm more the real me than I ever have been. I put up with a lot and a lot of people when I was younger because I thought I had to or it was the "right" thing to do. I just can't anymore. And "out of sight, out of mind" goes a long way with us old folks! In some ways I'm feistier now than I was 20 years ago. I had small kids. No time! The 50 year olds will give you a run for your money. Or the good ones will. Just watch!
Oh, and yeah, life's hard.
It's funny. Some people in my orbit have always been toxic and draining. Others turn that way or some life event alters the spin of their personality. I can only take contact with them in small controlled doses. Luckily, at this point in my life I really can't think of many people who I have to deal with regularly (outside of family ;)) that are an emotional drain on me. Sounds like you handled the situation best you could. Let her take the lead and handle the arrangements next time -- if there is a next time.
We become older and wiser. Time is precious. We can't spend it on those who talk behind our backs, or are toxic. Ball is perpetually in her court from now on.
Hey! I have started a short story. Hopefully, it will start shaping up!
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