Monday, January 22, 2018

She Speaks to Me


IF I WANTED A BOAT
 
I would want a boat, if I wanted a
boat, that bounded hard on the waves,
that didn't know starboard from port
and wouldn't learn, that welcomed
dolphins and headed straight for the
whales, that, when rocks were close,
would slide in for a touch or two,
that wouldn't keep land in sight and
went fast, that leaped into the spray.
What kind of life is it always to plan
and do, to promise and finish, to wish
for the near and the safe? Yes, by the
heavens, if I wanted a boat I would want
a boat I couldn't steer. 
    
~  From "Blue Horses" by Mary Oliver

Friday, January 19, 2018

Goodbye My Dear Henry: Five Minute Stream of Consciousness

What struck me instantly were his gorgeous eyes. I am a complete and utter sucker for blue eyes, and I fell in love quick and hard. You know how girls sometimes do when a new boy shows up at school, mysterious and all.

He was the new kid in the place, and he had a way about him. He was light and funny and fluttery. His vivacious personality was hard to miss.

One thing we did not have in common is he liked peas and I do not.

He was my Henry, a pet name I gave him, and he came to the aquarium the same winter week I did. That was more than three years ago.

It wasn’t until I couldn’t find him in his usual spot to hand feed him his peas yesterday, I shouted over the microphone, "Has anyone seen my Henry?" that I learned he passed away last week. Poor boy. Was he a boy? I don't even know.

And though they promised another would replace him in the not too distant future, it will never be the same.


Most of them have green eyes…


****************************

Thanks to my friend Kenya for letting me know that there is another opportunity for linking to a stream of consciousness writing community over at her place! This is probably my favorite way to write. Five minutes, quick and dirty! And on a Friday!!!

Friday, January 12, 2018

Frustration: Stream of Consciousness (Well Almost)

I long to have my computer with me at times like these so I could more easily tell you that I kind of yelled at a few people today.

I used to be quite the yeller back in the day. In my late twenties and throughout my thirties. I admit to being the occasional hothead. I account for this as a by-product of my fiery Italian roots and being stressed with work and a young family then not working, with no money and young children at home. The family would concur.

I could rip a deserving sort a decent sized hole and well, in my humble opinion. In some cases, I was quite proud... Let me qualify that, aside from hubby (unfortunately and only sometimes), I was usually fair with my rants.  Once detonated though, for me, it was over.

Life has since softened me. Thank goodness.

It’s more stressful for me to get angry and worked up than to remain as passive as possible in difficult situations. I also know better than to rip into the “wrong” people, the ones merely doing the work asked of  them by a boss. Nothing productive comes out of that!

It has worked, mostly.

It was an easy job fucked up for the third time (first time was the solar eclipse) and a state away from where I intended to spend my weekend. So I did raise my voice to some workers today. Kind of started out hot then toned it down when I saw their innocent faces because they didn’t derserve it. Their boss does.

I may attempt to remain passive, but I have my limits and will not be walked over.

In instances such as this, I hear my mother-in-law, a sage of sorts, whisper,

“It’s not always what you say, but how you say it.”

Cliched, I know.

They knew I was mad and why. They knew I wasn’t mad at them. They knew precisely to whom my rath would be directed.

My last words?

“It’s only a sink and countertops and they will be installed correctly because I am accountable to the family money manager, and he’s not going to be happy at all that I’ve already and stupidly paid for a job not done right. That’s my fault. Have a great weekend and tell your boss to give me a call.”

Now him I’m pretty likely to go off on.

Thursday, January 4, 2018

Excuse for Why I Did Not Achieve My 2017 Goodreads Challenge


I read fifty books last year. To some, that is a lot. For me, it fell short of my 2017 Goodreads Challenge goal by five books. 

By November I was really bothered by the obvious. With Thanksgiving on the horizon rolling into an early December vacation then returning to Christmas in full swing, I told myself there are worse things than not reading 55 books in 2017. 

Let’s back up a bit.

It started this Autumn when the air pinked the cheeks and the darkness came sooner.

You see, my husband is not a reader. I am not an avid sports spectator, Cubs aside. One common interest while at home is watching something interesting. And for lack of good movies On Demand, previous overindulging in the Food Network and HGTV, and with many recommendations from friends in hand, we launched ourselves firmly into…

Duh, Duh, Duhhhhhhhh!!!!!

(Cue Netflix logo)

It began with The Killing, which is based on a Scandinavian mystery series, and it is outstanding. Four seasons with approximately 10 episodes per.

Then I can’t remember the order.

Bloodline (multiple seasons)
Silicon Valley (more seasons than I realized)
Ozark (one season)
Mindhunter (one season, boo! hurry!)
Master of None (two seasons and fun!)
The Crown (second season came out in the nick of time on 12/8/17)
Stranger Things (two seasons and oddly addicting)

Then the polar vortex came and so did…

Godless (one season mini-series and soooooo good!)
Broadchurch (British mystery series, started last night)

During the sixth episode of Broadchurch, I needed toothpicks but still wanted to start the seventh. I’m pretty sick so it was a struggle staying up until 11:00 when I took NyQuil.

On my own this year, I watched Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and Orange is the New Black.

So really, I am blaming Netflix for severely cutting into the time I would ordinarily spend reading.

I set my goal for 52 books in 2018. 

I will make it if I want to.


Any suggestions for January?

(If you are interested in which fifty books I read, look here: https://www.goodreads.com/user/year_in_books/2017/10068374)

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Be the Aloha You Wish to See in the World



Yoga brings me special presents. Not every day, but it gives me something to grab onto each and every time.

Supta Baddha Konasana, or Reclining Bound Angle Pose, is  a challenging and often beginning pose meant to open up your hips. The hips hold a world of tension in the body, and it is difficult to think about anything but pain when your knees are splayed such as they are. At least for me.

So yesterday, I felt fortunate the theme of my morning practice, “Aloha”, seeped into my consciousness at all. Yes, it generally means hello and goodbye in Hawaii, and when I imagine it, it feels like it should have a paper umbrella floating in it. But I am talking about the deeper meaning of the word. It really sunk in. Especially now. And at this time of the year.

Love.
Affection.
Peace.
Passion.
Mercy.

I could look it up, certainly, and find different definitions. I’m satisfied with this one today. I want to be the "Aloha".

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Like We Didn't All Know?

Of course, we knew Strasburg would pitch today. Are you kidding? "Under the weather", yeah, right. I had to laugh when former Cub's coach, Dusty Baker, blamed the change of weather, hotel and Cub's clubhouse AC and Chicago's mold for undermining the general health of his team, but, first and foremost, their star pitcher.  I'm just a lifelong fan, and even I knew the game he was playing. What high level athlete with the sniffles is going to decline to play the potentially biggest game of the season for his team?

Whatever.

It's Chicago. It's blustery. The weather changes on a dime, and it's two hours to game time.

Deal.

(Wonder if there are tickets for sale today due to postponement?)

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

100 Word Challenge: Bridge Over Troubled Water



His back faced me doing something meaningless. I know that now.

“Notice how much weight I’ve lost?” 

“Yes, why is that?” 

What I should have asked only more delicately. In utter weakness, I responded,

“Will you be okay?”

“I hope so.”

Not sure why, but I left your words hanging. So unlike me. 

Ten days later, you didn’t come in or call. So unlike you my neck hairs raised.

Things I’ll miss: your ready smile, gentleness, intense knowledge, disgusting chips, sense of humor. Not in that order. 

The dolphins swam in your honor last night. Did you feel it, too? 


*******************************
There’s a destructive and betraying disease out there, friends. Chronic Delression is cunning. It's often a secret. By asking if it was cancer, maybe he would have confided in me that it was not. He probably would have deflected anyway. Suicide leaves so much pain and unanswered questions.

The word at Thin Spiral Notebook was “Wish”. We could use or imply it. What I wish I would have asked, wish I would have pursued, wish I could have changed the inevitable.