A Long Overdue Stream of Consciousness of Things Being Worth the Moment

I sat down in the middle of this day because I have been longing to write. For a very long time. I have been restless for a while. Opportunities have not existed for writing in particular, and neither has a means. Until now, that is.

I need to change some things. I am not completely sure exactly what that means, or I mean, or who, or what, will get changed. Just things. I have minimized my material life for now. That's been a big eye opener. It's other things, though, that are causing this lack of clarity. The only thing I am sure of is things need changing.

These thoughts didn't just spring into my head today. They didn't start the day before yesterday either. Maybe I merely acknowledged them then as a far too early, obnoxious light peeked through the slats of my not completely closed shutters. The red numbers on the digital clock read 6:38. That number is typically obscene to me unless it has a p.m. after it. I muttered, “Dammit! Who didn’t shut these completely?” Wow! Was I quick to blame “someone else” for this rude disturbance, or what? That is until I remembered. It was me. I didn't. I went to bed alone, and the sheets were still cold on the other side. (Maybe that had something to do with it, too.) 

But I do know what rises about that time on the westernmost edge of the Eastern Standard Time Zone. I hadn’t seen it in far too long, and I knew instantly I missed it. So I walked across the room, opened up the shutters, and let its orange glow bath me through my bedroom window. It was sweeping, and magical, and strong. Vibrantly casting itself like a huge fishing net across the lake from north to south. It was warm and friendly. It had been far too long.

And I started thinking.

I see more summer sunsets than most anyone I know. And while they are beautiful, and peaceful, and the perfect way to bid a day, good or bad or mediocre, goodbye, I don’t say hello to it hardly ever. I used to. I remember loving it.

So I thought further. 

Just standing there.

Maybe it is time to start changing some patterns. Maybe see a few more of those moments that begin days. Feel the newness. Maybe change a few other things, cycles, habits while I am at it.

I had ten minutes of time to myself just now and the impulse to get some words out of my head and onto the page was far too strong to ignore. It may not seem like I have written much here. It is a start, though. It is important to me.

I miss writing. I miss stream of consciousness writing. I miss my words on paper. I miss writing purely for me.

P.S. I wrote a very emotional, difficult, and probably hurtful (sort of) poem a few days back. It's not really about anyone. I know I've said that before. That my writing wasn't about someone or something in particular. But writing is always motivated by something or someone, is it not? It is about friendship. It is general. These are some of the most potentially hurtful (I've just used that word twice in a few sentences) words I have ever strung together in my life. I have certainly never said these words before, or written regarding (a) friendship. Why did I write them or it? I think, for now, they or it will remain like those letters you write when you are trying to get something off your chest, but then you never send them. It's probably one of those. Maybe.

I'm Restless

“I’m restless. Things are calling me away. My hair is being pulled by the stars again.” ― Anaïs Nin How about you?

A Quick and Dirty Fifteen (Questions on a Sunday)

Here is a quick and dirty Sunday Stealing where the questions are plentiful and the answers sometimes nonsensical. Of course, I should be packing, or outside at least as it is a beautiful day. This first, then that!

1.    You have been awarded the time off from work and an all-expenses paid week anywhere in the United States. The catch is that it must be somewhere you have not been before. Where do you choose to visit?  This is hard. I had the opportunity to travel extensively throughout the country for my job once-upon-a-time ago, and most of my travel desires are for destinations far and away. Sonoma County, California. I have been to Napa, but friends rave about Sonoma. And I love wine. More on this below.

2.    Name your guilty pleasure. Wine. Chocolate. Wine and chocolate at     the same time. Secrets. Wine and chocolates and secrets all at the same time.

3.    The best kind of milkshake is: I have two favorites. The first choice is always chocolate malt. A close second is root beer. And one of my favorite things to do is have a shake for lunch.

4.    What do you value most in people? Honesty, the ability to dig beneath the surface, and a non-judgmental nature, passion, sense of humor, compassion. Was I to pick just one? Impossible.

5.    Be honest. Do you sneak some raw cookie dough when you’re baking cookies? I ONLY bake cookies so that I can eat raw dough first. My sole preference for dough is chocolate chip. I like brownie batter, too.

6.    Have you ever looked back at your life and realized that something you thought was a bad thing was actually a blessing in disguise? No, not really. The truly bad things I have done are things I would not do again.

7.    What is the most beautiful place you have ever visited? In the U.S. of A., it is Telluride, CO and its gorgeous box canyon. Abroad, hands down, it is Positano, Italy (actually, the entire Amalfi Coast) with Lake Como framed by the Alps as a back up choice.

8.    Are you more of a thinker or feeler? This is hard because I spend much of my day deep in thought. The more I think, the more I feel. Sometimes to the point that thinking and/or feeling hurts. I guess, I am more of a thinker, but my decisions are usually made by gut feelings first.

9.    Have you ever participated in a three-legged-race? Yes, at a State Farm’s annual picnic back when I was in my early twenties.

10.         Name three things you are thankful for right now. My health because I may soon lose a friend, my family although we are imperfect but close, the quality of the friends who share my life.

11.         When you are at an event that plays the National Anthem, do you place your hand over your heart? Always. And my gaze is to the flag.

12.         Have you ever been on the wrong side of the law? Yes, once time in college. The circumstances were such that I was called down to the police station in the middle of the night. I was luckily let off the hook without incident. If the same course of events happened today, I would have spent the night in jail.

13.         When was the last time you intentionally surprised someone else? Yesterday, I surprised someone else when an explicative accidentally slipped from my lips. Surprised myself at the same time. Not that I don’t swear. I do. It was the timing of such that was surprising.

14.         When was the last time you deliberately surprised someone else? I can’t remember a specific time off the top of my head. SAD! Although, I do sneak sneak up on one of my closest friends often and give her a little love pinch and she usually screams.

15.         What is the last really funny movie you watched? I have not seen a movie in a long while. Again, SAD! I have been looking for a good side splitting movie to rent, or book to read (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas was my last hilarious read, or Quesadillas). Any suggestions? But this is hilarious...