The
text came through at 12:30 am on a Sunday evening. Just about anything, at that
time of night, makes my heart convulse. I groped for my phone.
“I
need to talk to you. Can I come over tomorrow?”
Ugggggghhhhh!
I rolled over attempting to ignore the message knowing slumber wasn’t
returning anytime soon. I was way too exhausted, now exasperated and extremely
hurt. Plus, I knew he was waiting for my reply.
“Sure.
We’re leaving at 1:00.”
I
tossed all night remembering how, just a few short months before, two beautiful
children fell more in love with each passing day. It was one of the sweetest
things I’d ever seen. As summer friends, it had been coming for years.
But
school starts up again every fall and long distance relationships are never
easy especially when you’re young. There are far too many distractions.
Now,
I was emotionally maxed out from a hellacious weekend spent listening to,
crying with and emotionally stabilizing my daughter (who was away at school). It
was her first, horrendously painful, inexplicable, dumping by a boy. A boy I
loved and who felt like a son.
That
next day, I anxiously waited for the clock to chime 1:00.
Why
does he want to talk to me?
What
am I going to say to the boy who crushed her heart into pieces so small I
worried they wouldn’t go back together?
Just like a rolling reel from a bad movie, her
sobbing screams played over and over in my head. “Mom, it hurts. It hurts so badly.”
“Now I know how Robbie felt when I broke up with him!”
It’s
difficult to explain to anyone how someone they love, who they thought loved them, now loves someone else. Let alone your kid. There
are no words to express the pain I felt for her.
Watching
him come up the walk, I met him at the front table. Hugging me, he said he was sorry; that he'd made a mistake. Then he just listened as tears streamed down his face. I said something along these lines.
“You
are so young. Why are you falling in love so fast all the time? Slow
down. We all make mistakes. Learn from them. You will experience heartbreak someday; unfortunately that’s a promise
because we all do. Then and only then will you realize just how fragile a heart
is and you’ll take better care because you’ve felt the pain yourself. But you two
will know each other for the rest of your lives; your children will play together,
so you need to figure out how to move past this. Time will help.”
I
gave him a big hug telling him to come by next Memorial Day.
That
conversation was two and a half years ago.
This
weekend, my daughter showed me an email she received from him just a few days
ago. It said something along these lines:
“I
finally understand how you felt 2 ½ years ago when I f$#ked up really bad that
weekend in October. It sucks and it hurts. I’m so, so sorry for what I did, how I treated you and
how you felt. I get it now. I’m just happy we’ve been able to get back to being
‘sort of’ friends. Summer’s coming! Woo hoo!”
It
does totally suck and it hurts badly.
Sometimes I hate the idea of what goes around comes around.
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I guess everyone eventually has to take their turn at being crapped on by love.
ReplyDeleteYes. It happens to everyone in some form or fashion at least once. She's happily moved on.
DeleteOh dear! Doesn't it just kill you? They have to go through all the same hurts we did but it's even worse watching your child hurt; I'd rather be heartbroken myself all over again!
ReplyDeleteIt was one of the most painful experiences I've ever had. It's so hard to watch them crumble. Very scary, too. I would have preferred it to be me but that's not the way life works. It was a growing experience for her and a gauge for what is important to her in a relationship. It took time, but she's dating an incredible guy at school (but from our hometown).
DeleteOh that's so sad. But I loved the foreshadowing of your daughter's knowing how Robbie felt and then her boyfriend knowing how she felt. On the other hand, he was obviously hurting, too, 2 1/2 years ago, or he wouldn't have come to you of all people!
ReplyDeleteIt's the first thing she said once she had time to think (sort of) straight. She realized how she hurt someone else just months before and exactly what he felt. Eye opening for her.
DeleteHe was a mess. And he cried after he told her. I think he expected me to be hard on him but I wasn't. However, I was very direct trying to keep my emotions in control. It was difficult talking to him as he cried. He's a very tender hearted guy. And me, right?
I can't imagine this, am so not ready for it. But I love LOVE how he emailed her, apologized, got it.
ReplyDeleteYou have two! Everyone goes through it. He has spent the last 2.5 years trying to repair their friendship. She made it pretty hard for him. She was very, very kind in her response to him. She understands that he learned from all of this.
DeleteUgh... Growing up stinks. And so does having your heart broken.
ReplyDeleteThose are two things that are guaranteed to happen...We grow up and our hearts get broken. The harsh realities of life sometimes suck but the great things about love are over the top!!!
DeleteHeartbreak is for the birds.
ReplyDeleteYou said it!!!
DeleteGetting hurt like that is definitely a right of passage, and this post has me thinking about how my parents must have felt when it happened to me back when I was a senior in college. I hope that for your daughter that this time is the only time, and I'm glad for her that they were able to get back to some kind of friendship.
ReplyDeleteIt sure is!!! I put my parents through a lot of things related to relationships as well. I only had a few serious ones before I got married but I was very attached. They hung in there as did I. That's what we are there for, to help them navigate life until they go off on their own (but they still come back for help even though they think they're grown ups).
DeleteShe has totally moved on and is very happy. She's very mature in her relationships (for her age). She and her old love share a love of the lake and sailing spending a lot of time together because of shared friends. It all works out.
Hard when you get attached to someone in that situation and have to watch the relationship fall apart. At least it seems she got her moment of redemption in the end, and that's something she can remember should she face a heartache again.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard. I've know this kid since he was very little. His parents are friends of ours. It was devastating to see something so precious crush to pieces so fast but that's life, I'm afraid.
DeleteWe talked about it last night. She was kind to him in the email but said she was happy he felt what she did. We have always talked about how to break up with someone to remain friends (if possible) and be gentle with their heart. She's handled herself well.
At least he owned up to being a fuck, I guess. Relationships are so, so hard.
ReplyDeleteHe did and always has. They have a lot of very close mutual friends and he has mentioned to each and everyone how badly he feels for what went down. There is nothing easy about a relationship, the good ones or the bad. They take a tremendous amount of work.
DeleteAww, how sad. It's hard enough to go through everything the first time, but then to see children getting hurt.
ReplyDeleteI think it's almost harder when it happens to your child. You want to give them the experience you've had but they aren't ready or can't take it at the time. It needs to run it's course and time helps.
DeleteMy 17 year old and her boyfriend of 3 years broke up last October. I was heartbroken. I felt like I was losing a son. He went on vaction with us and spent every holiday with us. They did get back together 1 week later. Its hard watching your baby hurt.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter being 22 has had three boyfriends. She tends to keep them long like Tay. She's been on both ends, a one-one record. Who knows about this college guy. He's great for her, they're fantastic together, we love him but they are so young. Who knows what will happen but if she breaks up with him, she better do it with care. I'm friends with his mother and I don't want to hear about it.
DeleteDerek and the Dominoes said it best: "Why does love got to be so sad?" It is though, huh? My children are only four, so I hope they're many years away from heartbreak!
ReplyDeleteHow can something so, so great hurt so, so much sometimes??? That's love. It's so uncontrollable which is the intensely exciting part of it. But I love love. You have about 13 more years. High school is when it all ramps up (you know, hormones and all).
Deletei hate that we can't shield them from everything, but we all go through, and hopefully, learn from it. sounds like both of them did.
ReplyDeleteIt was a learning experience for both and hopefully, their future relationships benefit.
DeleteOh gosh, it can be so hard! Glad he came around even if too late. At least if they finally get it, it's something!
ReplyDeleteHe is a sweet, sensitive and tender hearted young man. I attribute the hormones of a 21 year old boy as the true culprit. Even so, it was difficult. They're cool now..kind of.
DeleteDo we have to let them date? Oy, I can only imagine.
ReplyDeleteShe's going to date, Josh. You better be ready to deal with it but I know she's got a good head on her shoulders, similar to Amanda. She will do just fine. You on the other hand...
DeleteI am not cut out for this parenting shit! I will need to be drugged the first time one of my kid's hearts is broken. I love this post and how beautifully you handled the interaction with this boy. Way to go, mama!
ReplyDeleteA glass of wine and a husband helped (although he got tired of it after a while). Thank you so much for liking this sad story. It seems to have a little silver lining in that they both learned something. It was hard figuring out what to say to him (as his friend) while I was so very angry with what he had done (as a mother). I'm good with measuring my words before they come out.
DeleteOmg, he came to talk to you. I am trying to picture any of my ex's talking to my mom...I simply can't. But you-- wonderful, big-hearted you...I hope my daughter will call me when she's crushes because I want to hold her through the pain that I remember oh so well. Being dumped is the most painful experience of my 20s. Good mama, you!
ReplyDeleteFreaky, right? My initial thought was "Why me?" but I knew why. We were/are close.
DeleteThe hardest part was it happened in Indiana and she had to drive 9 hours back to school in South Carolina. Having her 12 hours away was not a good thing. All she needed was comfort from us and she couldn't have that in a physical sense. Not because of this but in addition to it, she transferred schools to be a little closer to home/family/friends.
as the mom of boys I worry about this and want them to be kind to the girls they date (that he asked to come over and talk to you speaks volumes about what kind of young man he is)...and I would like to think that if their feelings change about a girl, that they are kind and good to her as her heart heals.
ReplyDeleteMany men still don't have that skill...and although I've been married a long time to a man who never broke my heart, my heart also still aches sometimes with the scars from the ones who did and never made it right, never tried to make my pain less.
I am raising my sons to never ever be that kind of man.
plus what an incredible daughter you are raising and I applaud you for talking to that boy like you did. It's inspiring.
It's important to talk with all kids, starting very young, about how to take care of hearts. Nothing can ruin a relationship, of any kind, faster than carelessness. And it is possible to move on from a relationship the "right" way where you can still have a semblance of friendship or at least no ill feelings.
DeleteIt's hard to "teach" boys sensitivity sometimes but you just keep at it. They'll see it in your caring and compassionate behavior.
This kid is a good, smart, caring 23 year old. At the time, he wanted to try his best to make things right.
It's true. You always have remnants left from the past that sneak into your brain sometimes. Those old feelings/relationships created who we are today. But the carelessness of other's feelings is a tough one for me to swallow. I just don't get that.
I would believe, without doubt, that your two boys will be raised to be stand-up men. No chance any other way!
I always try my best. I'm hardly ever right but I do get somethings right.
yes--being right doesn't always make us happy---great story!
ReplyDeleteSometimes I'm right and oftentimes wrong. I hate either when it results in hurt. Thank you for commenting.
DeleteUgh, I dread when my girls will start going through this stuff. Right now I can just kiss their boo boos and snuggle them. I hope I know how to handle it like you do.
ReplyDeleteWith each year and experience, you all grow until the big/important stuff happens. You are better prepared because you've taken smaller steps along the way. You will know how to handle it. Just keep the dialog open between you and them. Always!
DeleteOh, Gina! As a mom, I feel for you. As a woman who remembers her first heartbreak painfully well, I feel for your daughter. It must be so horrible to have to watch her suffer and know you're helpless to make it stop.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I are already dreading our son's first heartbreak, and he hasn't even had his first girlfriend yet. He is SO sensitive.
See her in such pain was awful. It expresses itself physically as well (as you know). Terrible. You listen and try to help them sort the whole thing out but when the reasons are sketchy, it's tough.
DeleteMy daughter is the least sensitive of the entire family UNLESS you get all the way in. My son, besides me, is the most sensitive. I will be watchful with him for sure. They all go through it and you will be there for them.
Powerful story, Gina. It makes my heart ache for all involved, but especially you as mama bear. You are made of some tough stuff!
ReplyDeleteIt was one of the most difficult times I've ever experienced with regard to maintaining composure. He and I were/are close. I tried an objective approach leaving my feelings (almost) completely out of it. I think he came to me for a "beat down" because he felt badly. I said what he needed to hear.
DeleteSo sorry, Peach! Thank you so much for your kind comment.
DeleteUgh, heartbreak. So universal, so awful, so personal. You captured it perfectly. :(
ReplyDeleteIt is universal. We all experience it to some degree. It is incredibly personal. Thank you for visiting, Natalie.
DeleteAwww poor thing. I felt it for her, you and him. Wow. You handled it very well Gina. I'd either have been pissed and refused the hug, or told him to try to mend the broken heart.
ReplyDeleteKenya, It was so hard not to go off on him but he looked pitiful. I could tell how much it affected him. I could never refuse a hug from someone I care about even if I was totally pissed off or more. It just might not be my best effort. It's righted itself after all this time.
DeleteI do not look forward to the day when I have to go through this with my daughter :( Well-told story.
ReplyDeleteIt will happen but nothing for which to look forward, for sure! Thanks for appreciating a sad-at-the-time story.
DeleteNo parent ever really wants to say I told you so. Not about the important stuff anyway.
ReplyDeleteYou got it! Those words will NEVER come out of my mouth. And I mean EVER! I may think it but I'm never smug about it because usually it's as a result of something that's less than positive. And absolutely never about the important stuff. Who needs to hear that? Thank you for getting th picture, MHAL
DeleteAlthough heartbreaking, this was written so well. You very effectively shared a point of view that I will never experience myself (no kids). I don't know if I'm happy or sad about that, but I think it's a mixture of both.
ReplyDeleteAww, Dana! Thank you. It's a difficult POV for sure. At least, difficult to handle rationally and objectively. I can understand the mixed emotions. It's not easy either way and not always all it's cracked up to be but wouldn't change it for the world type of thing.
DeleteIt really worked out well for them, though! He admits that he messed, they are still sorta friends...
ReplyDeleteAs a mom, I'm going to be so sad when my girls have heartbreak, but I'm going to be able to relate. I've had my heart broken a time or two. ;)
AND they wouldn't be "right" together long-term. All's good!!!
DeleteI think everyone can relate at least a little.
what goes around comes around I suppose. A life lesson we all learn at some point.
ReplyDeleteYes, we do!!!
Deleteheart really is the most fragile piece of good and should be traded with accordingly..
ReplyDeleteWe should take care when handling someone's heart.
DeleteI'm sorry to say that the lack of understanding of the devastation is not limited to young lovers. This was very well written and real.
ReplyDeleteI know it's not.
DeleteThank you for saying that. And it was every bit real to all involved!
Ah, youth! I remember both sides of this situation and neither are particularly pleasant. I certainly understood why some friends' mantra was "break up with them before they get a chance to break up with you." It sounds terribly juvenile, but so true.
ReplyDeleteGreat story,
WG
Both sides are difficult in different ways as you well know. I think it is very important to teach our children how to break up with someone in a sensitive and compassionate way (when possible). I think I would rather have my heart broken than break someone else's. Just me. Thank you so much for visiting!
DeleteYeah...yeah...it SO sucks. And we've all been on both sides. I love how real and raw this is. That moment when you "get it" - when you realize how it felt on the other side, it's like one of those Oprah "aha" moments. But time does really heal, doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteIt is an Oprah moment! You are so right. Teach them, teach them how to handle both (once they experience on of the sides). Time does wonders for just about everything. You can look back more clearly and see things for maybe what they truly are. Nothing's perfect and everyone makes mistakes. Thanks for "getting" it.
Delete